Four “most popular stories”
on the BBC News front page:

• Can pets sense illness?
• Diabetes drugs “pose heart risk”
• Cannabis “raises psychosis risk”
• Potter author “penning two books”

This depressing list had Malcolm consoling himself with the Dorothy Parker piece:

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.