The heart-touching humanity of Boris Johnson

Alfie Matthews is in hospital, recovering from a three-hour operation. The operation was necessary because of a life-threatening brain injury. Yesterday afternoon, Mr Matthews had been beaten over the head by a police truncheon. The police officer was preventing Mr Matthews from leaving the “kettle” of students, outside Westminster Abbey.

All of that was lost in the furore. After all, the paintwork of a royal limousine is obviously far more newsworthy than any such trivia.

Or as Blasted Boris Johnson puts it: “It is very, very difficult for the police to strike a balance in this matter …”

Students are revolting!

And quite rightly so. Congratulations to the media genius who provided the royal distraction to yesterday’s real issue.

Malcolm is delighted  that highnesses can vicariously, from the security of an armour-plated limousine, share the experience of mere commoners, like the Redfellows, driving an English-registered VW through Newry one night in the early ’80s. Malcolm doesn’t remember the massed ranks of police rushing out to ensure the safety of the Redfellow family, nor the press grieving over the subsequent state of the VW paintwork.

On a different tack, there’s a growing rumble on the Norf Lunnun rumour mill that the local gangs (and not a proper student among them) were happily exploiting yesterday. Except to the Paparazzi, their desk-bound caption-writers, and the froth-bespeckled Distgusteds of ConHome and the Daily Mail that seems an obvious inference.

So, as a public service, here’s the Redfellow guide to problem #94: how to distinguish

• [a] a hard-man out to improve his street-cred

from

• [b] a convinced anarchist (though most self-claimed anarchists couldn’t tell the difference between their Bakhunin and their Kropotkin)

from

• [c] average student.

¶ Hint 1: common ethnicity (most gangs are ethnically selected) — suspect [a].

¶ Hint 2: the balaklavas, scarfs and hoods — suspect [b] though review Hint 1 above.

¶ Hint 3: possession of an iPhone or any sign of a fashion label (especially anything from Abercrombie & Fitch, Hollister, Banana Republic …) — undoubtedly [c]. Further confirmation if suspect can show maxed-out credit card. This is why no self-respecting proper student is likely to be involved in a serious melée [compare the Jackie Kennedy sex/clothes axiom.]