Daily Archives: November 25, 2011

MRQ (Mall Rat Quotient)

So the Pert Young Piece and Malcolm were hanging over the balustrade, observing the Black Friday throngs at the Short Hills Mall, and waiting the return of the Lady in Malcolm’s life from her retail mission.

To pass the time a new system of mensuration was constructed.

The standard Mall Rat (sMR) is mid-teens and upwards, has straight hair below shoulder length, and wears skinny jeans with boots (see below, however). Invariably the sMR hunts in packs of two or three sMRs.

After that initial identification, we have to add plus points:

  • Ugg boots — in the prototype ratings, this was considered an essential, but on mature reflection and evaluation allowed as a bonus;
  • a Starbucks cup (one point)
  • cell-phone at the ready (one point), applied to ear (a further half-point), with yet another half-point for it being an iPhone, and ostentatiously so;
  • bags with store identifications, one point each to a maximum of six (though Hollister and Abercrombie & Fitch obviously qualify for an additional half-point each.
  • gesturing with a credit-card, presumably Daddy’s, doubles the total.

Other sub-species of Mall Rat have been observed in the wild

  • The MRIT (Mall-Rat-in-Training): this is a young teen who hasn’t quite developed into the mature specimen;
  • The mMR (mini-Mall Rat), even younger still, and not yet sufficiently developed to have an individual consuming expenditure habit;

The mMR will of course be accompanied by a MMR (maternal Mall Rat), who has many characteristics of the sMR.

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