Fantasy worlds

Who remembers? —

A law was made a distant moon ago here:
July and August cannot be too hot;
And there’s a legal limit to the snow here,
In Camelot.

The winter is forbidden till December,
And exits March the second on the dot.
By order summer lingers through September,
In Camelot!

Camelot! Camelot!

I know it sounds a bit bizarre
But in Camelot, Camelot,
That’s how conditions are …

The rain may never fall till after sundown,
By eight the morning fog must disappear.
In short, there’s simply not a more congenial spot,
For happy ever-aftering than here in Camelot!

You know what’s coming next, don’t you?

Be honest, now. You’re way ahead of Malcolm here.

So here it is:

Total UK retail sales declined one per cent year-on-year during April as heavy rain disrupted trading across the country, new figures reveal.

 Some excuses are a gift which never stops giving. Compare and contrast the continuation of that report (2012):
Overall sales were not just hampered by the wettest April on record but also very strong comparables with the same period last year when sunshine and the Royal Wedding helped boost total trading by 6.9 per cent and underlying sales by 5.2 per cent.
And this (2011):

George Osborne has blamed the ROYAL WEDDING for the ailing economy.

The Chancellor’s ­astonishing excuse comes as he braces himself for another set of gloomy results when growth figures are ­published on Tuesday.

When the last ­“shockingly bad” figures were ­revealed in ­January, Mr Osborne’s pathetic excuse was the snow.

Now he has thought up a new reason amid fears growth will plunge below ­predictions of 0.4 per cent for the past three months.

Mr Osborne’s allies insist ­productivity suffered because of the four-day weekend to celebrate the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton – even though it was the ­Government’s idea.

The extra day off on April 29 meant millions enjoyed two long Bank Holiday weekends in a row. A senior Tory minister ­revealed to the Sunday Mirror: “We are not expecting good ­figures. A certain wedding is to blame for that.”

In January the PM boasted how it would boost the ­economy.

Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls said Mr Osborne was blaming everyone but himself: “He will doubtless come up with a raft of other excuses.”

They should make a law about the British weather!

These things never happened in the old days (i.e. before May 2010).


Lèse majesté

What must be so infuriating is that David Cameron is not merely extremely well-connected, his veins not only run blue, but, as the direct descendant of William IV, he has some of the true royal ichor.

The weather should clearly obey one of such Olympian stature. The powers-that-be should be aiding and abetting him, as they did when William IV’s Dad (George III, if the recollection momentarily eludes you) was uplifted — assumed body and soul into heavenly glory — into Glory:

The very Cherubs huddled all together,
   Like birds when soars the falcon; and they felt
A tingling to the tip of every feather,
   And formed a circle like Orion’s belt
Around their poor old charge; who scarce knew whither
   His guards had led him, though they gently dealt
With royal Manes (for by many stories,
And true, we learn the Angels all are Tories).

Thus Byron. But the real rib-tickler there is the website’s annotation:
The Tories were the conservative party in Britain.
Is that past tense a reflection, an anticipation of electoral wipe-out, or merely New Jersey ignorance?

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Filed under David Cameron, George Osborne, Literature, politics, Quotations, reading, weather

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