The only time Malcolm had his licence endorsed (it was long before penalty points) it was the fault of Spring.
The first warm day of mid-March, and heading between the Lee Valley reservoirs towards Forest Road to work. A 250cc two-stoke thumper, made in what was still the GDR (decent bike, appalling original tyres, gear train made of solid butter — but all easily changed). A lorry plodding along, blocking the way. A clear road ahead. Flick right, twist the throttle, and go for it. Straight into a radar trap.
They reckoned it was 47 mph in a 30 mph zone. Malcolm was disappointed — he reckoned it was way, way over 50. Pled guilt by post and paid twelve quid.
Spring it on me
And now, some good news:
Experts within the Met Office have revealed that a change in global weather systems, with the power to affect human and even animal behaviour, will soon have the entire British Isles in its grip. An early spring warning has been issued.
It gets better:
The Department of Energy and Climate Change believes that global weather patterns are deepening the effect of spring as the planet gets warmer. On its website, it is warning that 2013 could see one of the most extreme springs for several decades.
The problem with this particular natural crisis, say the experts, is that it tends to take people by surprise. With previous weather alarms, there were measures which could be taken – hosepipe bans, road gritters or sandbags. The slower, more insidious menace of spring-related weather tends to be much more difficult to combat.
What exactly are the dangers? According to the Met Office spokesman, spring can often have a major mood-changing effect on the vulnerable. “Anything can set it off,” he says. “It can be daffodils, or the sight of a swallow, maybe even rabbits climbing on top of each other. Suddenly, people are no longer quite the way they were. They talk to strangers, make unprovoked eye contact, sing in the street, lie down on damp grass. All sorts of inappropriate touching can sometimes take place. One of the problems with spring behaviour is that there’s no logical pattern to it.”
Seems a far better, far more convincing defence than “marital coercion” (though Malcolm can tell a tale or two …).
“Your Honour: I plead extenuating circumstances. It was the daffodils made me do it!”